1 year ago today we walked into SWS and the only thing I could think was that I felt like I was going to throw up. I was so incredibly nervous and sad and of course a little excited too. I wanted my boy so much, but I knew how much this was going to hurt him initially and I dreaded that. I don't want to hurt my children, but the only way he could become our child was through that loss and pain. That right there is the hardest part of adoption.
We were greeted by our Social Worker, and soon after we saw DS and his foster family arrive. We were all ushered into a room (a different tiny room) where we sat on the floor and all awkwardly talked talked to DS because we didn't understand each other. The Social Worker joined us with some final paperwork which we did quickly. The Foster Family gave us some wonderful things, tons of pictures of DS, some clothes he had worn, his Hanbok from his first birthday, and, of course, Mong Mong. His beloved dog that is his immense comfort.
We thanked them and all sort of started to say good bye. We headed into the hallway, the foster family got DS ready to go. When it was time they asked us to step into the tiny (very very tiny) elevator with the Social Worker and then DS's Foster Mom handed him to me. It was hard. She had tears in her eyes and his Foster Father was obviously upset to say goodbye to DS. I got the feeling that the two of them were very close. The elevator doors shut with DS trying to reach out of them. He spent the elevator ride trying to push away from me, screaming for his Foster Family and my heart just shattered. I whispered "Kwen chan ah" which the SW and FM had told me to do. I patted his back and tried to comfort him. Nothing seemed to work but after a very long ride (and a stop on one floor where the woman saw that obviously she did not want to share an elevator with us) we stepped out into the construction zone on the 1st floor of SWS. DS was fascinated and stopped crying until we got outside. Once outside I wanted to get him in the carrier, but we knew that there was a chance the Foster parents would be out soon and we wanted to get out of sight before that happened. We hurried down the street, then got Daniel into the carrier once we rounded the corner. We walked back to the hotel like that and once we got to the main street he stopped crying again because he was looking at all of the cars and trucks going by.
The hotel room was his least favorite place. Maybe it felt too home-like? Maybe it felt confining? Maybe it made this seem too permanent? Not sure, but he hated it at first! So out we went to walk around with him. The entire time in Seoul he wanted to be carried! He would get down for a few minutes here or there - in the hotel room or to play on some stairs - but mostly he wanted to be in the carrier all the time. I am so so thankful that we had the carrier with us. It was a lifesaver.
We took walks, went to a beautiful park, picked up a few take out items on the street for dinner (no idea what he would eat - we were told he's picky!), went to 7-11 for soy milk, headed back to the hotel to eat, skype with my parents and the kids, and see what we could do to help him feel more comfortable. It was quite a day but we survived it and we even saw some faint smiles through the tears (not many, we had no idea what a smiley kid he was for a while).
Friday, May 17, 2013
Remembering Seoul, Day 3
This morning was pretty relaxed, we explored near the hotel. Gangnam is a nice area. It really caters towards business people, but lots of restaurants and easy walking. A beautiful area to explore. We met our new friends, Andrew and Ashley for lunch before our 2nd meeting (they were having their second meeting with their sweet boy T, too!). We went to McDonald's. It's just one of those places that is interesting to try in other areas. We got a bulgogi burger. I'll be sticking with the Big Mac and have my Bulgogi somewhere else, thanks! But the fries were decent and it's the most "normal" diet Coke you can find. Mostly it was just nice to sit and talk with another couple who was going through the same thing.
Then we went to see our boy. He was not happy. I don't think an hour has ever lasted that long in my life. It crawled by. He didn't want to have anything to do with us, but it was worse than that. He was angry at us. He would push us away or sort of hit us away with his toy, turn away and try to get further onto his Foster Mom's lap. He knew something was up and he did not like it one bit!
I could elaborate but really it was just awful. And that room is tiny! It doesn't look that tiny in photos but SWS itself is so small! I think it's so grand in your mind, this place you've thought about for years, and you get there and it's a small office on the 7th floor of a building (OK, the whole building is theirs, but the International Adoption portion is small).
Afterwards I was depressed. It was really hard to do anything that night. We went to the Coex Mall and looked around but I felt run down, sad, and unable to enjoy much at all. We ate dinner at Outback b/c we couldn't stomach much else. I picked at my food. We went home and tried to process everything. We slept on it. It didn't really improve things. I was really sad for our boy, who was losing so much, and sad also b/c I wanted him so much and knew that we were the last people on earth he wanted right then.
I want to end this one on a more positive note than I did last year though. Because now I know what 1 year later brings. It brings impromptu hugs, giggles. Earlier today he came running into the room laughing and screeching, so happy and excited. So at home. Life is good for all of us. So while this day a year ago didn't end happily, there is a happy ending.
Then we went to see our boy. He was not happy. I don't think an hour has ever lasted that long in my life. It crawled by. He didn't want to have anything to do with us, but it was worse than that. He was angry at us. He would push us away or sort of hit us away with his toy, turn away and try to get further onto his Foster Mom's lap. He knew something was up and he did not like it one bit!
I could elaborate but really it was just awful. And that room is tiny! It doesn't look that tiny in photos but SWS itself is so small! I think it's so grand in your mind, this place you've thought about for years, and you get there and it's a small office on the 7th floor of a building (OK, the whole building is theirs, but the International Adoption portion is small).
Afterwards I was depressed. It was really hard to do anything that night. We went to the Coex Mall and looked around but I felt run down, sad, and unable to enjoy much at all. We ate dinner at Outback b/c we couldn't stomach much else. I picked at my food. We went home and tried to process everything. We slept on it. It didn't really improve things. I was really sad for our boy, who was losing so much, and sad also b/c I wanted him so much and knew that we were the last people on earth he wanted right then.
I want to end this one on a more positive note than I did last year though. Because now I know what 1 year later brings. It brings impromptu hugs, giggles. Earlier today he came running into the room laughing and screeching, so happy and excited. So at home. Life is good for all of us. So while this day a year ago didn't end happily, there is a happy ending.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Remembering Seoul - Day 2: Meeting Daniel
Oh the emotions waking up! A jumble of nerves and excitement. Snipping at Brian b/c we were going to be late and nothing would be good enough - I'm a joy when I'm stressed, really.... (Sorry Honey!).
We (finally!) checked out and took a taxi to the Renaissance. The taxis were so cheap! We were amazed! I have heard it depends on which ones though. We just carried cards around that said where we wanted to go (thank you Concierge at the hotels) and we could take the normal taxis and not look for the English speaking (more expensive) ones.
The Renaissance said that we could check in about half an hour after we got there, so we sat and had breakfast. Their buffet really is terrific, a decent mix of Western and Korean. It's very expensive too, but we needed convenience this morning. After eating we checked in and quickly put our gifts together, got approximate directions from the hotel (yikes) and tried to find SWS. We obviously stand out because I will never forget the sweet girls who stopped and asked us if we were looking for SWS and gave us directions. :) We were NOT headed in the right direction so I am very grateful for them!
We got there and sat down to wait. I took pictures of the white board for friends who were waiting, and I tried to calm down. We had made it, we weren't late, we were about to meet our boy! Our son! It was really hard to imagine that after all this time it was going to be real! We met DS's Social Worker and got in the van to go to see him. The first thing I noticed when we pulled into their apartment complex was the playground. I wondered how much time Daniel had spent playing on it. He's young but he's a mover and climber. Our SW encouraged us to take some pictures before going up. When the door opened there was a woman with a HUGE boy on her back! I know this sounds funny, but the most recent pictures we had of him were from January. He looked so much older. At first glance he didn't seem like the same kid! But a bit later we could see that the features were the same, just a bit more mature. We also learned he likes to play rough, he likes to laugh. My favorite memory is of him feeding me grape tomatoes over and over. He thought it was hilarious! :) Most of the connections with him came at the end, initially he didn't want to have anything to do with us. But we left there feeling more positive, and hopeful that the next day would be even better (oh boy were we wrong...).
The last thing we did with SWS was go to see the Baby Reception home.
The rest of the day was pretty relaxed. We went out to lunch at a really good bbq place near SWS. Then we went to see Changdeukdong Palace and in the evening we went on a food tour. All things I'd definitely recommend. It's hard to find time to do all that you want in such a short time in Seoul.
We both did well until about 10ish and then we were done each night. The food tour went longer than that and we were completely wiped out when we got back to our room.
We (finally!) checked out and took a taxi to the Renaissance. The taxis were so cheap! We were amazed! I have heard it depends on which ones though. We just carried cards around that said where we wanted to go (thank you Concierge at the hotels) and we could take the normal taxis and not look for the English speaking (more expensive) ones.
The Renaissance said that we could check in about half an hour after we got there, so we sat and had breakfast. Their buffet really is terrific, a decent mix of Western and Korean. It's very expensive too, but we needed convenience this morning. After eating we checked in and quickly put our gifts together, got approximate directions from the hotel (yikes) and tried to find SWS. We obviously stand out because I will never forget the sweet girls who stopped and asked us if we were looking for SWS and gave us directions. :) We were NOT headed in the right direction so I am very grateful for them!
We got there and sat down to wait. I took pictures of the white board for friends who were waiting, and I tried to calm down. We had made it, we weren't late, we were about to meet our boy! Our son! It was really hard to imagine that after all this time it was going to be real! We met DS's Social Worker and got in the van to go to see him. The first thing I noticed when we pulled into their apartment complex was the playground. I wondered how much time Daniel had spent playing on it. He's young but he's a mover and climber. Our SW encouraged us to take some pictures before going up. When the door opened there was a woman with a HUGE boy on her back! I know this sounds funny, but the most recent pictures we had of him were from January. He looked so much older. At first glance he didn't seem like the same kid! But a bit later we could see that the features were the same, just a bit more mature. We also learned he likes to play rough, he likes to laugh. My favorite memory is of him feeding me grape tomatoes over and over. He thought it was hilarious! :) Most of the connections with him came at the end, initially he didn't want to have anything to do with us. But we left there feeling more positive, and hopeful that the next day would be even better (oh boy were we wrong...).
 | |
| He was so busy it was hard to get a pic of his face, by the time he relaxed with us we wanted to connect w/o the camera. |
The last thing we did with SWS was go to see the Baby Reception home.
The rest of the day was pretty relaxed. We went out to lunch at a really good bbq place near SWS. Then we went to see Changdeukdong Palace and in the evening we went on a food tour. All things I'd definitely recommend. It's hard to find time to do all that you want in such a short time in Seoul.
We both did well until about 10ish and then we were done each night. The food tour went longer than that and we were completely wiped out when we got back to our room.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Remembering Seoul, Day 1
So we passed out soon after checking into our hotel (The Grand Hyatt Seoul). Yes, yes, everyone tells you not to do that, but I know myself, the best thing I can do is catch up as much as possible on sleep so I can enjoy the rest of the vacation (and honestly, it worked). I also didn't want to leave the hotel room until SWS had called to schedule our first visit (and Brian put up with my neurotic tendencies very well while we were on this trip).
At about noon we woke up and went to get some food. We ate at the hotel buffet. It's a great place for a variety of food, but overall it's expensive and not the best food in Seoul by any means. But it sufficed, especially for this Mama who didn't want to go far from the hotel. We ate, tried to relax, and enjoyed some familiar and new foods there. Then we headed back to the room to freshen up, get organized (we were switching hotels in the morning) and wait for the phone to ring.
At about 2 pm Seoul time SWS called and we were told we would be able to meet our boy the next day at 9! :) So we prepared to head out of the hotel! This was our one rainy day in Seoul (which worked out great!) so we went downstairs and the hotel was lending out umbrellas. We borrowed one and went for a walk. We found a beautiful walking path and followed it through beautiful trees and flowers until we got into more of the downtown area. Then we got on the subway (pretty much the nicest subway I've ever seen!) and headed to Lotte Mart at Seoul Station. We enjoyed this but it was wet and rainy by the time we got there and we were jet lagged and tired, so a lot of the day is a blur. We bought umbrellas (that we then didn't need for the rest of the trip) and some chopsticks and a few things in Lotte Mart. Really good prices too compared to a lot of other places.
We were wet and tired so we took a taxi back to our room and got everything prepared for an early checkout in the morning and then zonked out again! That jet lag is amazing!
At about noon we woke up and went to get some food. We ate at the hotel buffet. It's a great place for a variety of food, but overall it's expensive and not the best food in Seoul by any means. But it sufficed, especially for this Mama who didn't want to go far from the hotel. We ate, tried to relax, and enjoyed some familiar and new foods there. Then we headed back to the room to freshen up, get organized (we were switching hotels in the morning) and wait for the phone to ring.
At about 2 pm Seoul time SWS called and we were told we would be able to meet our boy the next day at 9! :) So we prepared to head out of the hotel! This was our one rainy day in Seoul (which worked out great!) so we went downstairs and the hotel was lending out umbrellas. We borrowed one and went for a walk. We found a beautiful walking path and followed it through beautiful trees and flowers until we got into more of the downtown area. Then we got on the subway (pretty much the nicest subway I've ever seen!) and headed to Lotte Mart at Seoul Station. We enjoyed this but it was wet and rainy by the time we got there and we were jet lagged and tired, so a lot of the day is a blur. We bought umbrellas (that we then didn't need for the rest of the trip) and some chopsticks and a few things in Lotte Mart. Really good prices too compared to a lot of other places.
We were wet and tired so we took a taxi back to our room and got everything prepared for an early checkout in the morning and then zonked out again! That jet lag is amazing!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Mother's Day (travel)
A special day to celebrate our mothers and grandmothers, to enjoy my children, but last year brought new meaning to Mother's Day as we boarded a plane towards our baby boy.
It's actually one year ago today that this happened. We spent most of the day on a long flight from LA to Seoul. It was still Mother's Day in the US when we landed in the Land of the Morning Calm (at 4:30 in the morning Korea time). I was exhausted and excited all at once, but I think adrenaline really kicked in right then. We got our luggage, exchanged some cash, and went to wait for our shuttle to our hotel. While waiting we got to chat with a wonderful couple we met before boarding who was also traveling, along with some of their wonderful family members, to bring home their son. It was such a blessing to realize about half an hour before boarding that we were on the same flight so we met and talked with them, and then were able to see them a couple of times during the week. :)
We boarded our shuttle and started toward the hotel. The first thing I said to Brian was "It's so green!" - yes, we did just leave the desert to come here. I have to say that Seoul was absolutely beautiful. We got to the hotel and to our surprise we were able to check in immediately (at about 6:30 am! - not many hotels in the US would have allowed that). We headed to our room and took a nap. More tomorrow on this day b/c we're moving into May 14th territory. :)
I want to say that I hope all of my friends and family had a wonderful Mother's Day, and that I am praying for those who are wishing and hoping to become Mothers soon. Know that you are loved and prayed for each day. We are so thankful that this Mother's Day we were able to celebrate with a sweet boy who wanted to be with us! And that all 3 of our kids were together. We really missed being with Ben and Ella last year.
It's actually one year ago today that this happened. We spent most of the day on a long flight from LA to Seoul. It was still Mother's Day in the US when we landed in the Land of the Morning Calm (at 4:30 in the morning Korea time). I was exhausted and excited all at once, but I think adrenaline really kicked in right then. We got our luggage, exchanged some cash, and went to wait for our shuttle to our hotel. While waiting we got to chat with a wonderful couple we met before boarding who was also traveling, along with some of their wonderful family members, to bring home their son. It was such a blessing to realize about half an hour before boarding that we were on the same flight so we met and talked with them, and then were able to see them a couple of times during the week. :)
We boarded our shuttle and started toward the hotel. The first thing I said to Brian was "It's so green!" - yes, we did just leave the desert to come here. I have to say that Seoul was absolutely beautiful. We got to the hotel and to our surprise we were able to check in immediately (at about 6:30 am! - not many hotels in the US would have allowed that). We headed to our room and took a nap. More tomorrow on this day b/c we're moving into May 14th territory. :)
I want to say that I hope all of my friends and family had a wonderful Mother's Day, and that I am praying for those who are wishing and hoping to become Mothers soon. Know that you are loved and prayed for each day. We are so thankful that this Mother's Day we were able to celebrate with a sweet boy who wanted to be with us! And that all 3 of our kids were together. We really missed being with Ben and Ella last year.
Friday, April 26, 2013
DS has been with us....
longer than anyone else! On Friday, April 26, DS was the cross over - DS has spent more time in our family than he has spent anywhere else! I will tell you that for 2 weeks leading up to it, this kid was a mess. He was miserable, throwing fits, frustrated, extremely controlling and just way above and beyond the terrible twos. We will never know for sure why this was such a difficult time for him.
But I think that he's testing us. There are theories about emotional memory that are hard to ever prove with a younger child. I don't know if he could sense that he had felt like this before and that then that feeling went away and it scared him., it's hard to tell. It could just be a naturally occurring time for him to start reaching a newer level of attachment (every few months he tests us for a few weeks and afterwards we see improvement in his attachment and a decrease in anxiousness).
The good news is that we seem to be moving out of the difficult time and hopefully headed to a really good time. We've also seen an explosion in language in the past week or so. I am really excited to see all that has been happening with him (tantrums aside) and look forward to all that is ahead. We can't imagine our family without this awesome little guy in it and are so happy to celebrate this milestone, and to see how he does going forward now that he will be with us forevermore.
I also want to say that we are praying for the courts in Korea. There are lots of changes in Korea and I do believe that the judges want to do what is best for the children, but making all of the changes work for everyone is tough. I am praying for all of my waiting friends, and for those sweet kids who need to be in their homes soon! I ask for others to say a quick prayer that the judges would be able to figure out the new process soon, and that Korea would move forward doing what is best for the children.
But I think that he's testing us. There are theories about emotional memory that are hard to ever prove with a younger child. I don't know if he could sense that he had felt like this before and that then that feeling went away and it scared him., it's hard to tell. It could just be a naturally occurring time for him to start reaching a newer level of attachment (every few months he tests us for a few weeks and afterwards we see improvement in his attachment and a decrease in anxiousness).
The good news is that we seem to be moving out of the difficult time and hopefully headed to a really good time. We've also seen an explosion in language in the past week or so. I am really excited to see all that has been happening with him (tantrums aside) and look forward to all that is ahead. We can't imagine our family without this awesome little guy in it and are so happy to celebrate this milestone, and to see how he does going forward now that he will be with us forevermore.
I also want to say that we are praying for the courts in Korea. There are lots of changes in Korea and I do believe that the judges want to do what is best for the children, but making all of the changes work for everyone is tough. I am praying for all of my waiting friends, and for those sweet kids who need to be in their homes soon! I ask for others to say a quick prayer that the judges would be able to figure out the new process soon, and that Korea would move forward doing what is best for the children.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
9 months ago today....
We arrived at SWS and walked in with our two new friends. I asked if I was the only one who felt like I was going to throw up (I wasn't). I had met this special boy and knew that he didn't really have any desire to see us again, let alone leave with us. How could I do this? How could I take him from his foster family's arms and walk out the door (after the longest elevator ride of our lives)? Taking custody is not a magical day that people may imagine. It is heartbreaking, sad, scary (for the child and the adoptive parents), and difficult. The emotions are actually mostly negative despite the fact that you've spent years waiting for this day. The fact is your child has spent zero time looking forward to this day and he/she is completely unprepared (I am talking toddler adoption here, I don't have experience with older child adoption which is different).
Whenever I think of this day I mostly want to cry. But I also remember taking a walk with him in the park. It was emotional but a special time just the three of us. I remember how happy seeing "bahngs" (trucks - he uses it for all vehicles) made him. I remember him smiling at us as he was eating pastries from Paris Baguette (yum!). He clung to me even though he didn't really like me. Such a strange situation.
I am so thankful now that our sweet boy has been home for 9 months. He's a happy boy. We love each other! We have a relationship! I know what his cries mean, what is laugh is like, what he is saying (even when others don't since he's just recently 2). He is our son and we are his Ommy and Daddy (Daniel has renamed me Ommy recently - a mixture of Omma and Mommy). He is adventurous, social, out going, friendly. He still has some anxiousness that we hope will relax over time, and a bit more aggression the moment he gets frustrated, but he has come so far! What a blessing! We've seen progress each month and it's a joy to see him grow.
The first 3 months were HARD. Tears (from all of us), lack of sleep, trying to connect but often failing, just generally feeling not like ourselves. It was the hardest summer we've endured. But we made it through.
The next 3 months were a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs, but the ups were starting to outweigh the downs.
6 months was a turning point! Daniel relaxed a lot around this time. We're so thankful since we traveled to see family for the first time not long after that. We continue to see progress, are praying for continued healing for our sweet boy, and rejoice that God has made us a family!
Whenever I think of this day I mostly want to cry. But I also remember taking a walk with him in the park. It was emotional but a special time just the three of us. I remember how happy seeing "bahngs" (trucks - he uses it for all vehicles) made him. I remember him smiling at us as he was eating pastries from Paris Baguette (yum!). He clung to me even though he didn't really like me. Such a strange situation.
I am so thankful now that our sweet boy has been home for 9 months. He's a happy boy. We love each other! We have a relationship! I know what his cries mean, what is laugh is like, what he is saying (even when others don't since he's just recently 2). He is our son and we are his Ommy and Daddy (Daniel has renamed me Ommy recently - a mixture of Omma and Mommy). He is adventurous, social, out going, friendly. He still has some anxiousness that we hope will relax over time, and a bit more aggression the moment he gets frustrated, but he has come so far! What a blessing! We've seen progress each month and it's a joy to see him grow.
The first 3 months were HARD. Tears (from all of us), lack of sleep, trying to connect but often failing, just generally feeling not like ourselves. It was the hardest summer we've endured. But we made it through.
The next 3 months were a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs, but the ups were starting to outweigh the downs.
6 months was a turning point! Daniel relaxed a lot around this time. We're so thankful since we traveled to see family for the first time not long after that. We continue to see progress, are praying for continued healing for our sweet boy, and rejoice that God has made us a family!
Friday, January 4, 2013
2 years ago today....
An amazing little boy came into this world. A young woman whose heart was full of love for him had to make an extremely difficult decision. I do know that this was difficult for her and my heart breaks for her today while at the same time I am full of joy that I am able to celebrate with this special, amazing, fun toddler!!!
DS is 2! Here are a few things about our sweet boy:
*He loves vehicles! He calls them all "bahngs" (truck in Korean)
*His Mong-Mong (puppy) is still his favorite possession and has been the most consistent thing in his life over the past 2 years.
*He adores his siblings! He wants to be like them and play with them.
*He thinks annoying his siblings is funny! We're working on this one...
*He does not hit or scream nearly as much anymore. He doesn't bite really at all (hopefully I'm not jinxing myself)
*Both of us love bottle time when I sing and we giggle and play. It's not a quiet time at all but he makes tons of eye contact and still manages to sleep well afterwards!
*He is a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY! This is a surprise to us! This is an aspect of his personality that didn't show itself until very recently. I'm sure part is due to age, but part is due to the fact that he was fairly anxious even with his Foster Family in Korea. He loved them dearly but I think with all of the transition he never felt permanent anywhere. With all the work we have done with attachment I feel like he's starting to feel like he may be a permanent part of our family!!!
I am so excited to see what the coming year brings. Pics to come after cake and gifts today. I know from Christmas that this boy is a huge fan of unwrapping so B and E helped me to wrap and double wrap the gifts! We even pulled out some of Ben's old toys that he hasn't seen and wrapped those. Since he got so much for Christmas and birthday while we were visiting family we didn't need to bring much more into the house, but we wanted him to have the joy of unwrapping for his birthday so this works really well. We're also taking down most of the gates and moving one to in front of the older kids' rooms. He'll now be allowed in the whole house (toy room! woohoo!!!) except for B and E's rooms.
Happy Birthday sweet boy. I don't think we can ever express how much we love you. It took time but the love we have for you is so full that our hearts overflow! We are so blessed to have our 3 amazing children whom we all love so much!!!
DS is 2! Here are a few things about our sweet boy:
*He loves vehicles! He calls them all "bahngs" (truck in Korean)
*His Mong-Mong (puppy) is still his favorite possession and has been the most consistent thing in his life over the past 2 years.
*He adores his siblings! He wants to be like them and play with them.
*He thinks annoying his siblings is funny! We're working on this one...
*He does not hit or scream nearly as much anymore. He doesn't bite really at all (hopefully I'm not jinxing myself)
*Both of us love bottle time when I sing and we giggle and play. It's not a quiet time at all but he makes tons of eye contact and still manages to sleep well afterwards!
*He is a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY! This is a surprise to us! This is an aspect of his personality that didn't show itself until very recently. I'm sure part is due to age, but part is due to the fact that he was fairly anxious even with his Foster Family in Korea. He loved them dearly but I think with all of the transition he never felt permanent anywhere. With all the work we have done with attachment I feel like he's starting to feel like he may be a permanent part of our family!!!
I am so excited to see what the coming year brings. Pics to come after cake and gifts today. I know from Christmas that this boy is a huge fan of unwrapping so B and E helped me to wrap and double wrap the gifts! We even pulled out some of Ben's old toys that he hasn't seen and wrapped those. Since he got so much for Christmas and birthday while we were visiting family we didn't need to bring much more into the house, but we wanted him to have the joy of unwrapping for his birthday so this works really well. We're also taking down most of the gates and moving one to in front of the older kids' rooms. He'll now be allowed in the whole house (toy room! woohoo!!!) except for B and E's rooms.
Happy Birthday sweet boy. I don't think we can ever express how much we love you. It took time but the love we have for you is so full that our hearts overflow! We are so blessed to have our 3 amazing children whom we all love so much!!!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
It's the 4th in Korea!
It's January 4th in Korea and it makes me think about DS's birth mom. Is she waking up this morning thinking about her sweet boy. I don't like to presume anything about her, but as a mother I have a hard time imagining that it doesn't cross her mind. I pray that she is at peace and that she knows that DS is loved beyond imagination!
I know I have been a HORRIBLE blogger since he came home, but it's my New Year's Resolution to do a better job at keeping people updated on our family happenings! Tomorrow will be a post about Daniel's birthday but then I'll backtrack with some Christmas stories and also an overall update of how we're all doing now vs. a few months ago when I last posted. :)
I know I have been a HORRIBLE blogger since he came home, but it's my New Year's Resolution to do a better job at keeping people updated on our family happenings! Tomorrow will be a post about Daniel's birthday but then I'll backtrack with some Christmas stories and also an overall update of how we're all doing now vs. a few months ago when I last posted. :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Bottle Feeding in Adoption
I realize this may seem like a strange post, but one of the major places we've seen progress is here. It is a major attachment tool and a measure of how far we've come. I want to share a little about it because I would never have understood this if I wasn't an AP (adoptive parent) myself. This is specifically D Suhbin's story (who I am going to shorten to DS for the remainder of the blog) and every child's experience and adjustment is different, but it will give you an idea no matter what.
DS was in a foster home in Busan from when he was 10 days old until 4 months old. Then he went to the SWS Baby Reception Home. At the Reception Home the babies have their bottles propped on blankets. No one holds or cuddles them. They learn to fall asleep on their own with bottle propped, and I believe that this is when DS learned to hold his own bottle (he was there for about 5ish weeks from 4-5 months old). When he got to the foster family's house in Seoul he was able to hold his bottle and cuddle his Mong-Mong (his stuffed puppy) and he would go right to sleep on his own. A foster family who is meeting the needs of a child for a short time would probably appreciate that they could get a few things done while he went to sleep. DS likes to be held a lot, he is wary of strangers, and FM said that he really struggled when he first came to them. So I believe that the chance to put him down with a bottle was a much needed break for FM. I am so thankful for all that they did to love on our amazing guy! This is not judging what they did, it made sense for their family and they did SO much for DS!
But that being said, our son has not been held or cuddled like a baby (in the position you would give them a bottle in) since he was 4 months old. So at 16 months old this couple comes and takes him and wants to hold him like a baby and give him a bottle! That was not his idea of a good time! The first 2 weeks we didn't try. We let him fall asleep the way he was comfortable. At 2 weeks I started doing more with trying to make eye contact and touch his feet, and sing to him during the bottle. At 3 weeks our SW came and encouraged us to really move forward with bottle feeding more. My amazing friend Becky had the idea of giving him a bottle in the morning when we weren't trying to put him down for a nap and our SW thought the morning was a good idea since there was an increase in hitting and tantrums in the morning, getting some nutrition in him immediately might help. So we started.
He did NOT like it one bit. Being in my arms was completely uncomfortable for him. But he really likes the bottle so once he realized that was the only way he'd get it was to have me hold him, he did let me, but he avoided eye contact with me pretty much the whole time and asked to go up to his room several times. I tried again and naptime and I only got tears. So I put him down and just made myself as present as possible while he was in his crib. I put my hands through the slats to touch him, sang to him, and tried to make as much eye contact as possible. Then one day when I was about to go upstairs with DS and the bottle he pointed to the chair we had been doing the morning bottle in so we went and rocked together while he drank the first half of it. From then on I was able to give him about half of his night time and nap bottles with at least a little eye contact. During the bottle we do things like "find Umma's koh (nose) or nun (eyes) or eep (mouth), I sing songs, I try to engage him in as much eye contact as possible. He gets fussy if I do too much at once so I engage him then give him a break, then engage him again.
About two weeks ago I realized that he was doing better and better with the bottle feeding (more eye contact, less fussing, staying in my arms longer before asking to go to his room, sometimes even relaxing enough to fall asleep in my arms!). So I decided to start the next part - touching his bottle. This boy has a DEATH GRIP on his bottle! When I even laid a finger on it he would pry it off and push my hand away. So I had to start small. I'd been trying, but until now I hadn't been consistent with it or pushing beyond his comfort zone at all. It took me a few days (and a pep talk from Becky) but I started consistently putting my finger on the end of the bottle. He'd tolerate it for a while then push it away. After he pushed it away I counted to 10 then told him that I was just going to put one finger on the end of the bottle. He'd tolerate it a while then push it away again - we did this throughout the bottle. After a few days of this I'd start out with a single finger but eventually ease my fingers around the edge of the bottle. When he pushed it away I'd start with a single finger then slowly move to the edge of the bottle. Each day I'd push a bit more/further. Eventually I was to the point of somewhat holding the bottle with him.
2 days ago I talked to him. I told him I would always be there and that I would always take care of him. While I realize this is a difficult concept, I figure it's never too early to start telling him. I told him that I loved him and that he could relax whenever he wanted and I would hold the bottle for him. AMAZINGLY my son looked right at me and let go! For about 1 second. Then the death grip resumed and he pushed my hand away. But he TRIED! He is trying!!! He wants to trust me! He trusts me more than he did and is relaxing his standards. In the past 2 days I've realized that when he pushes my hand away I can tell him "We're going to hold it together" and put my hand back. He fusses for a second but then just grabs Mong-Mong's tail and allows my hand to stay (I think he's trying to act like he's ignoring me, but it's still a step). Baby steps leading up to when my child will trust me so much, and relax so much, that he will allow me to feed him. I can't wait for that day, but I am so happy and encouraged by the progress we've made! It truly is amazing - and LOTS of answered prayers!!!! Thank you God! And thank you to all of you who have been a support through this! There is such a learning curve as an AP - even when it's not your first child! You're constantly questioning if something is adoption related or not BECAUSE - how you respond to it matters! If he is grieving you have compassion, if he's throwing a fit or hitting b/c he's 1, you discipline or ignore it. You have to be well attuned to your child so you can respond appropriately and you're constantly second guessing yourself.
ETA: While this will seem unusual to most people in the US - we plan to bottle feed until at least 2. It is a fantastic tool for attachment and bonding b/c it forces close, intimate time, and there tends to be a lot of eye contact. This has been highly recommended by our Social Workers and by pretty much any book I've read, so that's our plan. I know most people might read this post and think - why are you even trying with an 18 month old, so I thought I would explain that. ;)
So that's what's been happening in our household! Thanks for reading. If you got this far you are dedicated b/c this is LONG. :) Thanks!
DS was in a foster home in Busan from when he was 10 days old until 4 months old. Then he went to the SWS Baby Reception Home. At the Reception Home the babies have their bottles propped on blankets. No one holds or cuddles them. They learn to fall asleep on their own with bottle propped, and I believe that this is when DS learned to hold his own bottle (he was there for about 5ish weeks from 4-5 months old). When he got to the foster family's house in Seoul he was able to hold his bottle and cuddle his Mong-Mong (his stuffed puppy) and he would go right to sleep on his own. A foster family who is meeting the needs of a child for a short time would probably appreciate that they could get a few things done while he went to sleep. DS likes to be held a lot, he is wary of strangers, and FM said that he really struggled when he first came to them. So I believe that the chance to put him down with a bottle was a much needed break for FM. I am so thankful for all that they did to love on our amazing guy! This is not judging what they did, it made sense for their family and they did SO much for DS!
But that being said, our son has not been held or cuddled like a baby (in the position you would give them a bottle in) since he was 4 months old. So at 16 months old this couple comes and takes him and wants to hold him like a baby and give him a bottle! That was not his idea of a good time! The first 2 weeks we didn't try. We let him fall asleep the way he was comfortable. At 2 weeks I started doing more with trying to make eye contact and touch his feet, and sing to him during the bottle. At 3 weeks our SW came and encouraged us to really move forward with bottle feeding more. My amazing friend Becky had the idea of giving him a bottle in the morning when we weren't trying to put him down for a nap and our SW thought the morning was a good idea since there was an increase in hitting and tantrums in the morning, getting some nutrition in him immediately might help. So we started.
He did NOT like it one bit. Being in my arms was completely uncomfortable for him. But he really likes the bottle so once he realized that was the only way he'd get it was to have me hold him, he did let me, but he avoided eye contact with me pretty much the whole time and asked to go up to his room several times. I tried again and naptime and I only got tears. So I put him down and just made myself as present as possible while he was in his crib. I put my hands through the slats to touch him, sang to him, and tried to make as much eye contact as possible. Then one day when I was about to go upstairs with DS and the bottle he pointed to the chair we had been doing the morning bottle in so we went and rocked together while he drank the first half of it. From then on I was able to give him about half of his night time and nap bottles with at least a little eye contact. During the bottle we do things like "find Umma's koh (nose) or nun (eyes) or eep (mouth), I sing songs, I try to engage him in as much eye contact as possible. He gets fussy if I do too much at once so I engage him then give him a break, then engage him again.
About two weeks ago I realized that he was doing better and better with the bottle feeding (more eye contact, less fussing, staying in my arms longer before asking to go to his room, sometimes even relaxing enough to fall asleep in my arms!). So I decided to start the next part - touching his bottle. This boy has a DEATH GRIP on his bottle! When I even laid a finger on it he would pry it off and push my hand away. So I had to start small. I'd been trying, but until now I hadn't been consistent with it or pushing beyond his comfort zone at all. It took me a few days (and a pep talk from Becky) but I started consistently putting my finger on the end of the bottle. He'd tolerate it for a while then push it away. After he pushed it away I counted to 10 then told him that I was just going to put one finger on the end of the bottle. He'd tolerate it a while then push it away again - we did this throughout the bottle. After a few days of this I'd start out with a single finger but eventually ease my fingers around the edge of the bottle. When he pushed it away I'd start with a single finger then slowly move to the edge of the bottle. Each day I'd push a bit more/further. Eventually I was to the point of somewhat holding the bottle with him.
2 days ago I talked to him. I told him I would always be there and that I would always take care of him. While I realize this is a difficult concept, I figure it's never too early to start telling him. I told him that I loved him and that he could relax whenever he wanted and I would hold the bottle for him. AMAZINGLY my son looked right at me and let go! For about 1 second. Then the death grip resumed and he pushed my hand away. But he TRIED! He is trying!!! He wants to trust me! He trusts me more than he did and is relaxing his standards. In the past 2 days I've realized that when he pushes my hand away I can tell him "We're going to hold it together" and put my hand back. He fusses for a second but then just grabs Mong-Mong's tail and allows my hand to stay (I think he's trying to act like he's ignoring me, but it's still a step). Baby steps leading up to when my child will trust me so much, and relax so much, that he will allow me to feed him. I can't wait for that day, but I am so happy and encouraged by the progress we've made! It truly is amazing - and LOTS of answered prayers!!!! Thank you God! And thank you to all of you who have been a support through this! There is such a learning curve as an AP - even when it's not your first child! You're constantly questioning if something is adoption related or not BECAUSE - how you respond to it matters! If he is grieving you have compassion, if he's throwing a fit or hitting b/c he's 1, you discipline or ignore it. You have to be well attuned to your child so you can respond appropriately and you're constantly second guessing yourself.
ETA: While this will seem unusual to most people in the US - we plan to bottle feed until at least 2. It is a fantastic tool for attachment and bonding b/c it forces close, intimate time, and there tends to be a lot of eye contact. This has been highly recommended by our Social Workers and by pretty much any book I've read, so that's our plan. I know most people might read this post and think - why are you even trying with an 18 month old, so I thought I would explain that. ;)
So that's what's been happening in our household! Thanks for reading. If you got this far you are dedicated b/c this is LONG. :) Thanks!
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